A couple of months ago, an article in the NY Times (8.19.09) described a group of parents who were trying to limit ice cream vendors at their playgrounds.

One Approach: Try to Protect the Child from a Decision
The parents complained that these vendors would come around with their enticing goodies late in the afternoon causing their children to scream for ice cream-right before dinner.The mother who spearheaded the effort to rid the playground of vendors did so after her daughter had "an inconsolable meltdown about not being able to have a treat". Parents reported that they would "tell their children they had no money" instead of dealing with the inevitable tantrum.

Like so many families in the 21st century, this apparently well-educated and certainly well-meaning group of parents were looking for a way to avoid conflict with their children.

The Who's the Boss? Approach: Help your Child to Manage their Conflicts
In fact, conflict is unavoidable. Children will seek out conflict with the people they trust and love the most-their parents-to learn the rules and to test out the limits of safe boundaries. In this case, parents could have used their children's pleas for ice cream as an opportunity to teach boundaries, delayed gratification and problem solving! Parents could help children label and understand their feelings: "I see how mad you are because it is not the right time for ice cream. That's a big disappointment!"

Instead of giving in or giving endless explanations (i.e you will spoil your dinner, sweets aren't healthy) a parent could engage in a more meaningful conversation with their child. In our book, Who's the Boss: Moving Families from Conflict to Collaboration" we offer specific guidance on how to handle these daily conflicts.

As soon as you figure out sleeping through the night, along comes fights over food, then sibling rivalry, and discipline, and on, and on, and on. When you're dealing with your children, it seems as though there's always one conflict after another. And even when you get through them, you wonder if there wasn't a better, easier way. The truth is that conflict between child and parent is a normal, natural part of growing up; dealing with conflict is a learned response. Conflict is the method by which children learn the important behaviors of life. The trick is to let conflict do its job of teaching without letting it, or even encouraging it to rage out of control. So, how do you learn to deal with conflict between child and parent? Who's the Boss? Parenting Education Center offers programs that will help you better handle the conflicts of childhood. The parenting philosophies are based on the themes from the international hit books Who's the Boss? Moving Families From Conflict to Collaboration, and Baby & Toddler Sleep Solutions for Dummies, by Susan Glaser, MA, and Arthur Lavin, MD. Who's the Boss? techniques have been successfully used by more than 10,000 families so you can be sure that when you take them home and put them in practice, you will see real progress and success nearly 100% of the time.